Who's that sitting at the bar with a Phantom of the Opera mask on? Your mother, that's who. She's been wearing it now for 12 days straight. Who knew she was such a fan.
"Phantom of the what??" she asks for the 12th day in a row.
"Opera" says the bartender.
"Hmm" she thinks, "that sounds good. I'll have one... Does it have vodka in it?" Her complete lack of culture astounds.
FACT: she wears the mask because she lost her face when a bull gored it off. Sally, her best friend, says "the mask is an improvement." Some best friend. Though your mother is too hopped up on waffles to care.
"Where's my Oprah's Phantom?" she yells at the bartender. He puts an old dish rag in a dirty glass and hands it to her. "Delicious." She muffles while sucking on the dish rag, "Tastes familiar." It should, it was used to clean up her vomit just minutes before.
Don't they throw people out of these establishments anymore after they're sick all over the bar?
"I guess not"... who said that?
"Who said what?" I don't know. I guess I'm "hearing things again," your mother makes those air quotes with her fingers.
A sad lady.
(September 16, 2006)
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